something you can't have
by leviadrache
Summary: "It's not like I've ever been yours anyway." - Sendou Aichi, Kai Toshiki


so i just realized that i'm probably the only one that hasn't posted some sad kaichi reunion, so now seems like a good time to do so. i've been listening a lot to "this is gospel" and "beautiful world" by utada hikaru when i wrote this, and i think that explains a lot about this fic. enjoy~

[spoilers for e177, although the fandom already knew what would happen before the episode aired]

* * *

_Some day, I'll be alone again and not even you will be there by my side, but there's one thing I want you to know._

_I'd never wish for a world without you._

* * *

There's someone calling out to him.

In the middle of the night, he lays awake in his bed under white blankets and Aichi calls his name. His voice is nothing more than a small whisper, but it makes Kai jump out of his bed in surprise. He looks around in his empty bedroom, but doesn't see anything that shouldn't be here and, you know, maybe he's reached the point where he imagines things like that.

(Imagining used to be a source of strength and power, but now, it's making him crazy. Images of his Reverse, his sins, visit him every night and to an extent, where waking up in the middle of the night is nothing special any more.)

"I'm real, Kai-kun."

So, he lays down again and hears the voice, closes his eyes and hears the voice, shifts in the sheets and hears the voice. When ignoring it doesn't help, he stands up, pulls the curtains open to let the light of the mood flood the room, but doesn't turn the lights on.

Lights can't save him from the ghosts.

He turns away from the window and there's Aichi facing him. His light skin looks even paler than usual in the faint light in his room and he seems sad.

"Aichi."

"Stop searching for me."

"No."

_It's that simple._

His voice trembles and his body is shaking, because this is not what it was supposed to be, this is not what Aichi is supposed to say and yet. Somehow, between the lines, he longs for Aichi. But Aichi's eyes don't shine like they used to and instead stay cold and distanced.

It makes Kai remember their last meeting, remembers seeing Aichi in that big throne on some other, lonely place, a place Kai has never seen before. (Everywhere is lonely place without Aichi.)

"You'll have to. After the sins both of us committed, we can't stay together."

Which is, of cause wrong and of all the people, Aichi should know it the best, because Aichi is the one who showed him nothing is impossible and everyone deserves another chance and that making mistakes is okay as long as you try to get better and don't let them drag you down. He taught Kai to always believe in yourself.

So, hearing Aichi say something like this _hurts_.

"No, you're wrong. We can purify our sins again. 'We can change our fate'… these are your words."

_Please, don't leave again._

"You can't understand this."

"Then explain it."

He feels like screaming, wants to show Aichi how desperate he is, wants to show him how much he needs him, but doesn't, because the Aichi he remembers should know how he feels. But Aichi doesn't and plainly shakes his head.

"After I let myself be consumed by Psyqualia and you gave in to Reverse, we've proven our lust for power, and our lust for destruction. Our lust for getting stronger than anyone else and sacrificing everything, even our whole world, only to reach our goals, it's our sin. But that's not something we can change. It's how you and me are, Kai-kun."

_He says our sin, but it's only Kai's sin._

"Maybe," Aichi adds after a second, "you and me, were never meant to meet. Us meeting could destroy this planet and Cray. So, us being friends or being simply together is impossible."

_It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter._

"I don't care if it destroys our planets."

When Aichi looks at him this time, there's no sadness in his eyes and a weird confidence glitters in them as he calmly observes Kai.

"We sinned when we were together and I don't want your hands to get stained with any more guilt or sadness just because of me."

"Aichi…"

A knot forms in Kai's throat and the more he wants to say something, the more he wants Aichi to stay, the bigger it gets. His eyes start to burn and his whole body burns as if he just received someone's Judgement once again.

He's shaking.

"I- There's nothing in this world that matters to me, if you're not here. I don't need anything but you… I guess, I think, I love you." He says, gaining more and more strength with every word he says. (Strength that's not real strength, actually is just own selfishness speaking.)

Though at the last three words, his voice dies a little, so he says them again, tried to say them firmly as possible this time. "Yeah, that's right, I love you."

He doesn't know why, just knows, yes, that's what he has to tell Aichi. Now that he stands in front of him once again, it's the thing that needs to be said and the knot in his throat is softer now, not completely gone, but more comfortable than before.

It is still there, though, to remind him of the fact that nothing he says right now matters. He sees it in Aichi's eyes, even when his body looks like he hesitates, the confidence in the blue eyes shows Kai that nothing can change the decision he made, nothing Kai says or does will matter to Aichi.

Kai's selfish for confessing now, selfish for not wanting to let him go, for begging him to stay, but it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

It is okay to always be selfish.

Those three words he said, they echo in his head, like something he can't forget now and he wants to say them over and over again, so Aichi won't forget them either. Somehow, he wants to scream and shout and _do_ something.

"I love you and I won't let you go without a fight!"

Aichi smiles, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes.

"Isn't this the time where they say 'If you love me, let me go'. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"But-"

"I don't want this. I don't want to destroy this world and our friends. .. and," Aichi adds softly, looking at the floor, although Kai wants Aichi to look at him so badly, "I guess, I don't want to destroy Kai-kun either."

Slowly, Kai approaches Aichi in his own dark living room and when they're standing close, so close to each other, Aichi looks at him. He doesn't back away and his glittering eyes express a sadness, Kai hasn't seen in them ever since the moment Aichi held his body and begged him not to go.

What a cruel twist of fate.

Now, it's Aichi's turn to carefully and yet fiercely shake his head. He doesn't understand that it's too late for Kai to turn back now.

"I don't care about a world without you. What I need is you." With cautious fingers, he tries to grab Aichi's hand, but Aichi pulls it away and wants to turn around, but Kai's faster and puts his hand on Aichi's back, hindering him to move away. Sighing, Aichi laughs, but there's no happiness to be heard, no relief and nothing positive at all; the laugh is full of emptiness.

"You're unbelievable, but I just can't… and to be honest, I never was yours, so there's nothing for you to lose anyway."

And, you know, somehow, Aichi's words hit him like Gaillard's Judgement. _I never was yours, I never was yours, I never was yours._ Kai knows they're true, knows that Aichi wouldn't lie, especially not to him and not in a moment like this, but he doesn't want them to be true. Kai wants them to be lies.

He doesn't let go of Aichi's hand just yet, carefully grabs his chin with his free hand and strokes the clean cheeks reassuringly, although he's more reassuring himself than the boy in front of him.

Aichi looks hesitant about this at first, but when he spots the tears of defeat on Kai's face, he smiles and mimics Kai as he reaches for Kai's face. With his pale hand, he touches Kai's face to wipe away the tears and despite everything, Kai sobs.

"Can you at least, I mean, could you grant me a wish. You know, before you go." Wide blue eyes look at him expectantly and Kai understands.

_You won't make any promises you can't keep, huh? God, you'll never change._

"What is it?" Aichi asks and his voice is just like it used to be, a concerned and friendly quiet sound that makes sure his friends are okay.

"Let me… please let me sleep next to you," Kai says and he while he tries to sound as strong as possible and speak with a strong voice, it doesn't work. He still likes to pretend he's not begging. "If you could just stay with me until I fall asleep, it would be, you know, nice."

_Let me pretend you're watching me while I'm asleep. Let me pretend you take care of me. Let me pretend you're by my side._

Nodding, Aichi takes both of Kai's hands into his ones and leads him to his bed again. He lets Kai lay down and pulls the blankets over his body. Kai doesn't struggle or move or talk and instead just lets Aichi sit down on the bed next to him. When the small fingers wrap around his ones, he finally closes is eyes.

Although Aichi stays with him until he falls asleep, when Kai remembers their meeting in the next morning, it feels like mere seconds. He'd think it was all just a dream if it wasn't for the sunlight that flooded through the opened curtains.

_I'll find you._


End file.
